I dropped my dance major!

Yesterday I made the choice to drop my dance major. As a senior.

A tough choice to say the least.

In fact I've been wanting to follow through with this choice since I was a freshmen.

This has absolutely nothing to do with how important dance is to me and my spirit.

Dance has been there to lift me up through so much shit and I am always incredibly grateful to have that ability and always have been.

I don’t quit things. In fact I hold onto things and people and ways of thinking so tightly and for so long until it blows up in my face in the ugliest and most unnecessarily painful way possible.

Somehow to me this has always been “the right thing” in my head. If I stick with something no matter what horrible effects it has on me then I will be strong and successful and the best.

As a result I have a lot of anger and resentment towards many aspects of my life. From not knowing when to let that shit go. From being afraid to say when I was wrong. Because if i’m not right then what am I?

I have spent so much time striving to be better than the rest to put it simply that I feel like an outsider in so many ways. By putting myself in places I don’t belong just so I can prove a point. But to who? Not myself that for sure.

Luckily I have started to realize this toxic trait of mine and how damaging it has been to my relationship to myself. In smaller ways I have started to learn how to honor myself and my feelings and letting go of things that serve me no good. It is much easier to do this with the little things like saying no to going out or giving myself an hour to relax. It’s not so easy when one of those dishonors to yourself is the collegiate program you’ve been a part of but not really apiary of for the past 3 years.

Now this was incredibly tricky for me. Constant battles with myself. Wanting to honor myself. But also wanting to finish what I started. I took a break and told myself that was the answer. All I needed was time away to figure it out. Once this time was up I was ready to get back and finish this thing. I was satisfied with myself and the work I had put in. So surely I could do it.

I was excited to dance again. I hadn't taken any classes outside of my college program for the past 3 years and I missed the studio so much.

The start of the school year came and I was back to dance again as a new version of myself with a new found peace and strength within me. This peace and strength being the most important things to me and my current journey. I stepped into this environment again for the first time since March of 2020. That March 2020 version of myself being completely unrecognizable to me in the present day.

And it felt fucking horrible. It felt so wrong and I no longer recognized myself. One week in and I did not know that peace and strength anymore. That old freshmen/sophomore version of myself that I was so far removed from was suddenly back and over powering every aspect of my life personally, professionally, and educationally.

I was instantly terrified of myself again and could not see any possible way this could work out for me. I could not see any way of me being successful in this environment. I could not see any way of being happy with myself in this environment.

I was already starting to dishonor myself by saying I was just being weak and I needed to get over myself and just do it. You come back to finish this so just do it. But everyday I was waking up with little hope and excitement for the day ahead of me. The year ahead of me. The time I was looking forward to more than anything.

And it broke my heart for myself. For all the work I put in to getting to this point.

I woke up yesterday morning with such a heavy heart and I couldn’t do anything but cry. For hours. I couldn’t go to class or do my homework or drink my coffee. I just cried endlessly.

How could I do this to myself again? I knew I did not want to fall back into my old habits of pushing myself to the absolute limit until it inevitably broke me. So I had to face my truth finally. I do not belong here in the college dance world. So I dropped it.

And I’ve never felt so powerful. To finally let go of the thing I’ve been grasping onto for so long.

In my mind dropping my dance major meant I was no longer a dancer. And it would somehow be removed from my life completely. Which is far from the truth. Dance will never be removed from me. It is a piece of my being that shows itself everyday in the ways I move through my day. In the ways I create and problem solve through my life.

I do not regret the time and work I put into my time as a college dancer. I have learned so much about myself. I’ve met my best friends that have filled me with so much support and life over the years. But spending my last precious year in school in a place that serves me no good is not something I am going to put myself through any more.

There is great power in letting go of the things and people that no longer serve you good.

Love,

Ashtyn

ps. I will be graduating from Ball State in the spring with a bs in psychological science and minors in history and women’s and gender studies:)